yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
