got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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