My cat gives me a boner
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
