So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
