Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
