Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
