im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
