i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
