I met the friendliest cop last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
