Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just made out with a guy for $7.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just forgot I was standing up.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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