Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
birth control should be required to get into college
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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