I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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