He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
