You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
