I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
