Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
