I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
