I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Randomize
