Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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