i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
