Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
