Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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