I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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