she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
