We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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