god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
