I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
