My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
