I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
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