I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
