He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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