You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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