I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
