If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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