I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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