If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
