I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My bed smells like the plague
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
