Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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