I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
