At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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