I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
