dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
