Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So squirting runs in the family.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
