She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
