If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
