Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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