i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
