so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
