My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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