So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
even my farts smell like vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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