I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I CAN MOONWALK!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
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Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your cock deserves a montage
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Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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