I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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