I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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