God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
