Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
