the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
