Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
