you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i now understand why vodka
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
